How to give a compliment without being a d!ck
Compliments on appearance are TRICKY.
Because body image is so complex. And also sometimes it is lovely to receive a compliment on how we look.
Here's how to become a considerate compliment-giver.
Pre-s: I’m pretty sure you are already on the same page with me about this stuff, cuz you're here, but I thought it would be handy for you to have this list to share with others in your life who may be… less aware.
Before you comment on someone’s physical appearance, I recommend running this checklist in your head:
CHOICE Is the thing you want to compliment something that person has clearly chosen? Or something they have no choice about?
DESIRE Do you know if this person WANTS to hear about their appearance? Self-image is a STICKY TOPIC y’all. Even if you think it’s a compliment it might draw their attention to something that is currently a painful subject— especially if the aspect of their appearance you are naming is NOT something they have chosen for themselves
CHECK IN If you don’t know #2, and it *seems* like something they chose, ask: “hey, would you like to receive a compliment related to your appearance?” Give them the opportunity to decide if they are available for that in this moment.
You never know how someone else feels about how they look.
Unless they’ve told you.
And even then, there might be layers of feelings lurking under the surface that they don’t feel safe enough to express to you.
Respecting someone’s autonomy is way more affirming than telling them what YOU think is attractive about their appearance. Trust me.
Unless the person has said “I like getting compliments about my looks anytime anywhere!” In which case, GO FOR IT.
Things to that are not compliments:
“You look like you’ve lost weight!” Maybe they have, and it’s for a scary reason like being very sick or very stressed. Maybe they haven’t and then it will trigger a cascade of worry about weight loss when they are trying to reclaim their time and mental energy for other more awesome pursuits.
“When are you due?” NEVER assume someone is pregnant. Just don’t do it. Even if they are, it’s none of your business.
“You look so strong/fit/buff” or other acknowledgements of visible muscle mass. This one may SEEM like an obvious thing that someone chose and worked hard for. But again, you never know what that person’s internal experience or story is. In middle school, I wore shorts on a hot day and someone said “wow, your legs are really muscular” and it was not a compliment and I NEVER WORE SHORTS TO SCHOOL AGAIN.
Gender-specific stuff. You can't tell someone's gender by looking at them. Start practicing using gender-neutral language now. It's best to use it until someone shares their pronouns or gender identity with you. Say "that person's dress is such a gorgeous color!" rather than "That woman's dress." Or "I love their purse" or "look how stylish the person wearing the fedora and bow tie looks." It will take a little extra energy at first, but becomes super normal and easy after a little while.
It’s ok to notice things about people that stand out.
We can’t control our thoughts and reactions.
But we can decide what we SAY.
Let’s take better care of each other out there, mkay?
