fail = friend (?)

I’ve been thinking about FAILURE a lot lately.

In many contexts…

…My high school drama teacher used to enthusiastically encourage us to “Fail BIG!” on stage. Meaning take huge risks, be willing to try things that absolutely will not work.

…My current favorite movement teacher (Elke) says failure is a potent teacher, AND we get to decide how much tolerance we have for failure in any given practice session. (I really like that second part.)
 

…In strength training, reaching the point of muscle failure is a valuable stimulus that drives the adaptation of strength.
 

…All the self-help books and influencers urge us to fail fail and fail again.

But nobody talks about HOW to become friends with failure.

In my experience, there’s always an emotional sting when things don’t work out. Yes, I learn valuable information from the failed attempt, and also it FUCKING HURTS AND IS DEEPLY DISAPPOINTING.

And often, in the thick of that deep disappointment — or even in the shade of its oncoming shadow — the urge to protect myself from ever feeling that way again opens the door for The Protectors. The parts of me that would rather I never embarrass myself, never feel shitty, never have to admit I was wrong wrong-ey McWrongWrong.

Those Protector Parts try to convince me that failing is bad. That I’m bad at this thing and should quit and do something else that I can be immediately good at.
 

I’m leaning that those parts are the liars. And I’m pretty sure they are the ones the Self-Helpies are advising us to avoid spending time with.
 

The ouchie feelings on the other hand?

I think those are an unavoidable part of my process.

I’ve always had a lot of access to my feelings. And my feels tend to be BIG. They sweep through like a storm, taking over my internal landscape and completely changing the temperature of the air and the color of the sky. While the storm is in effect, sometimes it seems like that’s the only weather I’ve ever known. It’s completely engulfing.

But I’ve learned to trust that the storm will pass. Because it does — every time.

I’ve also learned that trying to evade the storm or deny its existence and focus on “sunshine” just prolongs the weather pattern. It’s best to make space, let it happen, let it be BIG, and trust that it will howl itself out.

I think the only way I will truly befriend failure is if I get even more willing to surrender to the ensuing storm.

I am hereby inviting myself to dance in the rain of my disappointment and howl along with the winds of “whyyyyyyyy didn’t it worrrrkkkk”. If you would like to join me in this permission slip, it has room for you, too.

How do you relate to failure?
What feelings and thoughts does it bring up for you?
How do you work with those feelings and thoughts?